My son is crazy!

When his mother and I picked out his name, we never knew it would fit his personality so well. See, his name means badger and badgers are aggressive, wild animals.  And he is that. 

If there is a group of people around, you can bet that he is in the middle of that group doing something to get their attention.

But he does have a soft side. He loves to shower affection on those he loves.  He’s growing into a boy that has a sensitive and sympathetic soul.

And since last week I gave all you future boyfriends a little advice about dating my daughter, it’s only fair I give you future girlfriends that same courtesy. 

So with that said, here are some things you girls need to understand before you start dating my son.

There is a double standard

I don’t know why.

It’s just there.

I’m not sure if it’s just wired in me or if it’s some bias learned along the way, but just understand that I am going to instinctively trust you more than I will any of my daughter’s boyfriends. Is that fair? No. Is it reality? Yes.

I will have a far easier time believing you than anything that comes out of a boy’s mouth. You might think that sounds great, but you should also understand I expect you to be honest. If you burn that trust, it won’t be easily restored.

If you tell me something, I expect it to be the truth.

My son is not a vampire and/or a werewolf

A genre of movies that was once reserved for guys night’s has now been wussified and sold to girls in a marketing campaign of “eternal” love. It was a genius move on the part of the author and movie producers. Unfortunately, it has taught you something completely unrealistic about love.

My son is not a lovelorn creature of the night desperately and eternally seeking that one special woman that will make being an immortal worth all the pain. And you are not that woman; so don’t expect my son to show up magically at just the right moment or with just the right words. He is not that guy.

It’s not fair that all that pressure be put on a boy that’s still trying to figure out what that exactly means. If you are lucky enough to catch his eye, be happy with that. Enjoy your short lived time together and have fun.

Oh, and if you happen to go see The Vow, he’s not that guy either. No one is that guy.

Dress like you want to be treated

Far too many girls your age have decided to use their bodies to get attention. Two forces have combined to allow this disgusting trend to take place—gross marketing to younger and younger girls, and parents that aren’t doing their jobs.

Because of this, girls are allowed out of the house in clothing that used to be considered uniforms for women of ill repute—you picking up what I’m laying down? 

If you want my son to treat you like a young woman, then dress that way.  His mother and I are raising him to treat women with dignity and respect, but if you come at him with clothing painted on and shoving cleavage in his face, he will have a much more difficult time of treating you with that dignity and respect.  We want our son to save himself for his wife and you won’t be doing him or yourself any favors by throwing yourself at him.

Fortunately, if you do choose to dress like a prostitute, we will have taught our son to just keep walking. He might give you a once over but that’s it. You won’t be worth his time.

Guard your heart

Our son will shower you with compliments and trinkets that express his feeling for you. He will be kind and sensitive to your needs. He will listen and pay attention to the things you have to say. He will do his best to woo you and sweep you off your feet.

It’s in his DNA. Just be ready for that.

Guard your heart because the chances you will stand the test of time and marry my son are almost zero.  Keep that in mind when you start thinking you’re in love with him. You might be having some intense feelings towards my son, but please try to temper them. The reality is that most likely he is going to break your heart.

Maybe you will do something or he’ll do something or no one does anything but he will break your heart. If you’ve left it unguarded, he will trample on it. So please don’t hand over your heart’s key, for your sake.

Leave the drama on Jersey Shore

Having never met you until just now, don’t take this personally: leave the drama at home! We don’t do drama very well here and you won’t be well perceived if you bring unwanted tension into our home.

I don’t care who said what or cheated on who, it doesn’t affect my life in the least little bit and if your drama starts to creep into my peaceful home, there will be problems.

So if Vinnie or Jenny or whomever decides to act like a fool on TV or in your school, just keep in mind that I don’t care.  But you will if you bring it here with you!

No creeping allowed

You must have something different than the other girls. For whatever reason, my son has chosen to spend time with you. That must make you feel special. I bet that makes you want to spend a lot of time with our son. I imagine that makes you want to call or text or message or see him as much as you can. But no matter how strong those urges are to spend every waking moment somehow connected to him just remember this: Slow your roll!

My son had a life before you and will after you. The sun does not rise and set on either side of you so please don’t act like it. Don’t be calling my house or his cell trying to find out every little detail of what he’s doing with out you.

Realize he has friends that are females. And if you find that threatening, you should just probably get over that as quick as you can because he’s not going to stop seeing or talking to them just because of your jealousy.

Don’t entertain fantasies of being together forever and whatever you do, do not say, “I love you.” One of two things will occur:

1. He will say it back because he wants to spare your feelings
2. He won’t say it back and he will run in the opposite direction as fast as humanly possible.

And no, he won’t say it back because he means it. Sorry sweetie. We are raising him to understand what real love looks like and to understand the difference between an intense puppy love and the love a mature relationship needs to survive.

So please save yourself the heartache and keep those tendencies to your self.

He’s not too big for a whoopin’

If my son somehow treats you with disrespect or, God forbid, violates you in some way, please remember that his mother and I are here. We want to hear what you have to say and lend a sympathetic ear.

If you feel he’s wronged you in some way please come tell me. And if it’s true, then he’s not too big for a whoopin’! We brought him into this world and we can take him out.

We are raising him with a certain set of standards and beliefs but he is human and will make mistakes. If one of those mistakes ends up hurting you please come and tell us. We want to make sure that you’re ok and that it never happens again.

For whatever reason, you dating my son is so much easier for me then that grubby boy dating my daughter. 

Wait, I just thought of something—my son is that grubby boy to your dad. And if that’s the case, then you should probably just go now. It’ll be easier on your dad.

It was so good to me you. Good luck in the future! Thanks for stopping by sweetie.