Vikki was a typical teenage girl. She was very pretty, outgoing, a cheerleader, worked a part-time job and was active in a local youth group.

She was also in a violent dating relationship. 

Vikki was part of the one-in-five high school girls that have or will experience dating violence and part of the 94 percent of victims that are between the ages of 16 and 19 (clotheslineproject.org). Vikki’s boyfriend never physically struck her, but what he did do was threaten her life.

It started with a controlling behavior, restricting who she could call and then who she could be with. Slowly he isolated her from most people. He would force her to do things that she didn’t want to do until it evolved into rape. Not the physically violent kind depicted in most forms of media, but it had the same effect. 

She became self-loathing and hollowed out.

Worse yet is the fact that her parents, who are and were good parents, didn’t recognize any of the signs. Why would they? This is something that happens to other people, not to us. But unfortunately, it happens to far too many girls. And her parents just didn’t see it.

Dating is a fact for teens. It will happen whether you forbid it, have rules to regulate it or allow it. Your teen will find a way to date. So as a parent, what are some things we should teach our kids to watch out for? 

According to loveisrespect.org here are some behaviors we can teach our teens to keep an eye out for in their dating relationships:

• Checking your cell phone or email without permission
• Constantly putting you down
• Extreme jealousy or insecurity
• Explosive temper
• Isolating you from family or friends
• Making false accusations
• Mood swings
• Physically hurting you in any way
• Possessiveness
• Telling you what to do

This is not a comprehensive list that covers everything that can be unhealthy or abusive, but it’s a good place to start for your teens. But beyond this, what can we, as parents, do to safe guard our kids from this epidemic? How do we recognize and then protect our children from an abusive relationship? Here are a few tips that you can start with today.

Talk

I’ve said this in many posts, but I’ll say it again—talk to your child! 

And start now. It’s never too late to open up the channels of communication. There is no way you are going to know what’s happening in your child’s life if you aren’t talking to them. You can stalk them on Facebook or snoop through text messages (and there’s something to be said for that), but the only real way to know what’s going on is through communication.

Ideally, you start when they are young and continue that throughout their teenage years. Building a relationship with your child takes time, patience, understanding and love. And it is your responsibility to reach out to them, not the other way around.

And hear me on this one parents: every talk cannot be a lecture. 

If all you do is lecture, the sound of your voice will soon become just another noise to them. They will tune you out. You must pick and choose your battles so that when a real battle comes, you can wage war. Know your child, trust them to make the right choices and be there to help when they don’t.

Pay attention

You would be surprised how many parents are just completely in the dark about things their child is doing or involved with. I, on the other hand, am not.  Over the 12 years of working with families, I couldn’t begin to count the number of parents who just didn’t realize what their teens were doing. They weren’t negligent or bad parents, they just wanted to believe their child wouldn’t do anything wrong or that something bad was taking place.

But bad happens all the time. Even to you.

Pay attention to your child. They will give you warning signs that something is wrong. Whether they come out and say it or not, their body language will scream to anyone listening that something horrible is taking place. But you have to be able to hear it.

Here are some warning signs to watch out for:

• Not feeling well without any symptoms (all of a sudden and constant)
• Bruises and injuries with stories that don’t make sense
• Becoming isolated from her friends and even you
• She no longer enjoys or participates in activities she once loved
• Constant messages and texts checking up on her
• Seeing the boyfriend have a violent reaction or losing his temper around you
• A sudden unexplained drop in grades

Again, this isn’t an end all be all list of signs but these are common ones. But you know your child better than anyone, so they may exhibit some of these, more of these or none at all. Just pay attention and be aware of how your child acts.

Take action

If you suspect that something is amiss, do not wait around—take action. Start with a conversation and proceed from there. Your teen may not be ready to tell the whole story so be patient but be firm. You are her parent and you may need to step in to protect her.

If your child tells you that she is in an abusive relationship, then it’s your job to do something about. Contact the local police department or your school’s safety officer. The point is you can’t sit back and wait for someone else to do something about it.

But in all of this, don’t lose sight of your child. Respect them enough to give them space and the ability to voice their opinions. If she doesn’t want this to go public then take the necessary steps to protect her without dragging the dirty laundry out for everyone to see.

Make sure that you get your child counseling to help deal with the emotional trauma they have experienced. Find a specialized therapist that deals with dating violence and/or rape trauma and have your teen meet with them on a regular basis. The professional therapist will be able to guide your child toward healing better than anyone.

Love them

Don’t underestimate just being there for your child. Knowing that they have someone to come home to that loves them regardless is a huge comfort. There will be times that you need to not speak but instead just listen. Make sure you drop everything and listen to what they have to say. And more than likely you’ll have plenty of times when words will not be spoken, instead they’ll just need you to sit and hold them.

Reassure them, through words and actions, that they are loved and are worthy of that love. Reinforce that they are faultless in the situation and that they shouldn’t shoulder the blame.

If they haven’t been in an abusive relationship, this point is still just as important. A teenager with a strong foundation of love at home is a teen less likely to fall into this snare. Now that’s not to say if it happens it’s because we didn’t love our child enough, because Lord knows that’s not true.  But it doesn’t change the fact that we can and do affect our children by the way that we communicate our love to them.

Vikki’s situation went on for some time. She had some really good friends who decided to step in and take action. They encouraged and pushed her to break off the “relationship” and stood by her when the boyfriend threatened violence.  They made sure that they were with her every moment of the day. Vikki never went someplace without a group of her friends with her.

Even after Vikki went to college, the ex-boyfriend would still pop up from time to time to cause some emotional and mental strain. Again, her friends, college ones this time, came to her rescue. Then when she met the man she would marry, he finally took care of the problem permanently.

Vikki is doing great today. She has been happily married for some time and has three beautiful children. But it has been a struggle for her. The scars took years to heal and never fully went away. She still battles depression and fights to see how truly remarkable she is. Ask anyone who knows her and they’ll tell you how amazing she is, but ask her and she’ll tell you differently. Even now she wrestles with those inner demons.

Throughout her story one of the real tragedies is the fact that it took years for the situation to come to an end. If her parents would have known what to watch for (and I’m not putting any blame on them) they might have been able to intervene before any violence took place.