Allow me to introduce to you a young woman who is real but could represent an untold number of young women today. We will call her Tammy, but that's not her real name.

Tammy grew up in a home with an overbearing mother that tried to control every aspect of every family member’s life and a father that was emotionally unavailable. He had long ago resigned himself to the fact that his wife ruled the home with an iron fist. I don’t mean to say that she was physically violent, but she had a hair trigger temper and when she was unhappy about something everyone on her street could hear about it.

Tammy was a good teen growing up and like all children longed for someone to love and accept her. As she wasn’t receiving that from home, she began to look elsewhere to fulfill that need. When she hit seventh grade she started to physically mature faster than the other girls and she began catching the eyes of the boys around her.

Tammy started to realize that she could use her body to feel loved and the other boys realized that they could use love to get her body. By the time Tammy was 15 she already had several sexual partners and was a broken little girl. Her early entrance into a sexual world had left her hollowed out and looking for escape.

And she tried. I remember visiting her in the hospital while she was under suicide watch. Not seeing any way out of her circumstances she chose to end it all. Fortunately she did not succeed.

Tammy wanted so desperately to be loved that she would run to whatever boy promised her love.

These boys were after only one thing, and when they had their fill they left behind a broken young woman who was just searching for love.

Hers is not an uncommon story. And it’s not unique to this generation. Nor is what happened next.

Tammy was able to pull her life together when it came to her sexual relationships, but she never learned to guard her heart. Boy after boy, she completely gave her heart to them searching for acceptance, and boy after boy she continued to have that fragile heart ripped apart.

I remember one dating relationship she had. Her boyfriend was a good and decent guy. He never tried to take advantage of her physically and was always a perfect gentleman. Her parents really encouraged and pushed the relationship. Their thinking was that he was good for her.

He might have been in the short run, but we’re talking about kids here. It was unfair to this boy to heap all that responsibility on him. There was no way that he could have succeeded.

She stopped hanging out with friends and family. And when she was with them so was he, the two of them off in a corner of the room, isolating themselves from everyone. It got to a point where the two were inseparable and their identities began to be so intertwined that she lost herself in him.

And when the inevitable breakup took place she was devastated. After having been known as this boy’s girlfriend for so long, she no longer knew who she was apart from him. Her heart shattered into a million pieces, she was left alone. Again.

Now she did eventually move on and she jumped right into the arms of another boy, and the cycle repeated itself. Neither she nor her parents learned the lessons that would have saved her a lot of pain.

As I said earlier, this situation isn’t unique to her or her generation but it is a problem. How do you teach your daughters and sons how to guard their hearts? How do you guide your teens in dating in a way that won’t leave them scarred after the relationship ends?

Here are some things I’ve seen parents do that have worked with their teens and dating relationships.

Work on your marriage

Children mimic what they see. If you are in an unhealthy relationship chances are your kids will follow somewhere down the line. And whether counseling or divorce is the path chosen, children need an example of a strong healthy relationship to base theirs on.

If you and your spouse or significant other communicates with arguing and shouting your students will grow up using that as coping skills. But if you communicate with conversations and calm, rational discussions so too will your children.

I never doubted that my parents loved each other. I often found them hugging or kissing on each other growing up. I may have gagged when I saw it, but I grew up watching two people very much in love working through life as it came at them.

If you want your child to have healthy relationships, it starts with yours.

Prohibit dating at a young age

I have witnessed far too many children start dating at an age when they should still be playing with toys. And generally speaking, these kids are not emotionally equipped to handle these relationships. Nor should we expect them to be. They’re kids!

Do not allow your child to begin dating before they are ready. The pressure to have a boyfriend or girlfriend in middle school is tremendous and it is up to the parents to be the “bad guys.” The pressure is great at school and even at home with places like Facebook.

Post after post of middle school girls declaring their wishes for a boyfriend who will love them, of a long-term relationship like “The Notebook,” or even just a date. Most of this is young teens being just that, but we can’t be naive and believe that peer pressure doesn’t weigh on their minds.

We have adopted a rule we saw in another family. We have decided and communicated to our daughter multiple times that she is not allowed to date until she turns 16. We realize she may “go out” with some boy at school but there will be no dates until her sweet 16th! We also understand teens can step around this by meeting their dates with a group of others at the mall or parties or wherever, but we will stand by our rule and make sure we enforce it with love and respect towards her.

Know who they are dating

Don’t allow your son or daughter to date without meeting the other teen. Build a relationship with that other teen. Make sure you know where they are going, with whom they’re going, and what time they will be home.

I am not an intimidating person, but my daughter’s dates will know that I am allowing them to take my daughter on a date and they will respect her or there will be severe consequences. They will walk out of my home with the understanding that they have with them the thing that means the most to me in this world, my child.

By bringing the other teen into the home you can gauge who they are and begin to build trust. That in turn will help strengthen the relationship you already have with your own child.

Keep talking

Far too many parents just assume that everything is OK in their child’s life. Their dating life is no different. Do not assume, ask.

A very dear person to me was in a horrific dating relationship in high school. There was sexual, mental and emotional abuse taking place, and she felt like she couldn’t go to her parents. They had never opened that bridge to talk about serious issues. It didn’t mean they didn’t love their daughter, it just meant they failed to communicate with her.

Do not make that mistake. Talk to your children. Start when they are young and continue that through adolescence. Make the first step and start the conversations. Don’t wait for them to come to you.

Realize that you may have to pry a little, but just the fact you care enough to ask will tell your children you love them enough to ask.

Don’t downplay their feelings

Do you remember your first love? Or your first real break-up? Remember how intense those feelings were? Whether it was the intensity of that first love or the immense pain from the first break-up, your student is experiencing this for the first time. They will be dramatic and probably over the top on both occasions.

I remember my first love. It was freshman year and I was IN love. We had our children’s names picked out, and she signed her name with my last name hyphenated. We were convinced we would stand the test of time. Those feelings were new and overwhelming.

And the break-up was just as overwhelming. I couldn’t eat or sleep. When I saw her at school it was a pain I had never experienced. I didn’t know what to do with what I was feeling.

Your child will go through this as well, and the last thing they’ll need are to have their feelings downplayed by the adults they turn to. Doing that will tell them that their feelings aren’t important and therefore neither are they.

Validate how they feel and help them to understand it is normal. Be there when they want to talk or cry and give them space when they want to be alone.

During the love-dating phase, help guide them through those first steps into adult relationships. Keep talking about it and make sure they don’t abandon themselves for this new person. Encourage them to keep at the things they liked before this loved one was there. Invite over their friends if you need to.

Whatever you do, just make sure that you are there and understand how very real their feelings are to them.

Dating today is a very different animal than it was just 10 years ago. Your children need you to shepherd them through the awkward moments of young adulthood. The only way to do that is to be present in their lives. Make sure you‘re not allowing them to date before they’re ready, and when they do start dating, know how it is. Keep your door open to them and don’t underestimate how they feel.

By doing these things your teen will keep you in the loop and allow your influence in their lives.

The consequences of not being present may be losing your child’s heart.