False Helplessness

Gasping sobs echoed in my ear, ripping the breath from my inner pipes.

My boy, after inquiring if he received a good report from school that day, erupted into untamed sobs. Then the phone clicked, my heart paused as the air silenced, and I realized the phone line was cutoff.

That is how it is when you share child custody. One grown-up attempts to parent from afar, armed with only "words" sent through the magic of wireless communication. While the other is able to physically console, to wrap their comfort around the child. 

That is how life can feel in certain moments. Helpless. As though there is nothing you can do; hands wrapped thickly in bondage against your lower back. Some of us have skillfully learned how to shrug. Some of us pace. Others, anger.

What do you do in your helplessness?

"Come to me, all who labor and are heavy laden, and I will give you rest. Take my yoke upon you, and learn from me, for I am gentle and lowly in heart, and you will find rest for your souls. For my yoke is easy, and my burden is light.” (Matthew 11:28-30)

I continually have to remind myself that that bondage I feel is false. The helpless isn't real. There is always something I can do.

Pray.

Prayer may not change the moment, it may not be able to stretch my arms through a phone line to hold my boy, but it calms me. It rests my mind, knowing everything will be okay. I rest knowing that God is in charge, that He is holding my boy when I can't, and I thank him in my prayer for doing so.

I again dialed the numbers that allow me to hear my son’s small voice. When he answered, I soothed him the best I could, reminding him that Mommy always loves him, always will, no matter what. 

And just after I started to say my good-byes and good-nights, I heard "But Mommy ... I love you to heaven and back, heaven and back, heaven and back, heaven and back, heaven and back, heaven and back, ..."

And with that, my prayer was answered.